When Do yOU sAY i love You?

By: Kemar Anglin

      I dedicated an I love you after a possession by the spirits of Valentine’s day. The season is adorably inspiring, I could not pass it up. Before the season I have been thinking about whether or not I am actually in love. The questions came up of: When to say I Love you? When do you know your right? How do you know the feeling? Prior to my queering, I aimed to embody the beauty in a traditional love story. Most of these stories represent straight couples, living picturesque lives, sometimes going through trials and tribulations but still finding their way back to each other in the end. These characters sometimes knew that it was love at first sight. There is little context just passion. There is marriage, a baby, and a happy ever after. That makes a good story, but the transpiration of love in my reality has been everything but traditional. I am beginning to realize abiding by different culture's relationship milestones leaves me feeling confused. 
    Although it may feel like it, there is no right or wrong in the act of love. We (people), especially I,  sometimes like explanations. An analysis of why we choose to love, the chemicals that it releases and how it can be controlled. Sometimes I wish loving another person could be as easy as loving my favorite food, frankly even that is complex. What if it is made differently or what if my taste grows….would it still be to my liking? 
    Living in the fear of something changing, doing something wrong, moving to fast, rejection or hurting the other person, hurts love. Fear leaves it battered, bruised, and ignored. Diminishing many potential relationships that I could have if I decide just to open up. This creates an argument against fighting the comfort and intimacy that another person can bring, even if it may not last forever. Why not embrace? When you feel it why not say I love you?

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    The man I wrote that I love to, I have known for a while. We notoriously have flirted with each other on and off and there is not much likelihood of us ever being an exclusive thing. There has been downs, heartache, and disappointment that I have felt with him that trump me feeling comfortable enough for commitment. Alongside my lack of knowing exactly what I want out of life, I do not care to pursue anything. Despite me knowing all this and perpetuating our distance, I still feel love for him. It is the strangest feeling. I know what some might be thinking “I am situated”, I’ll admit I am pro-situationship. Love does not equate to a partnership and sometimes a situationship is needed. On the other hand, I would not consider our relationship that. I consider him a friend. I like him. He’s cute and makes me laugh. I want him in my life, but I don’t want the pressures of a partnership in hopes of better days.
     He has been the longest-standing romantic relationship in my life, committed or not, that is my milestone. I don’t believe in a forever we and I don’t want to convince myself of that possibility. I’d like to believe that I can’t comprehend how I can have love for someone who I felt wronged and invalidated me, but in actuality I can. 
    We learn how to love through our environments, identities, and the experiences that each of us have. Love was shaped differently within my Jamaican and Queer environments than the Western norm. I did not grow up with two parents traditionally in love. There were not much words of affirmations but a call to action. My parents were opposites, while being strong and resilient both in their unique lights. My queer influences have opened me up to their dating challenges, introducing me to the realities of my newly opened identity. They are not the ideal that society has constructed, but I learned to love others and love myself through their words of wisdom. I learned that love is a journey and is not perfection. I learned I don’t need the prince, protector, or the one to make me whole, instead look for myself. If that is the case, what do I lose by loving those who aim to truly understand me and who I aim to truly understand.          
    Free love is something that I don’t usually do. I like to be realistic, the realism is that all of us perform a mating call. My mating call might be considered the chase, understanding the choice of the prize, I like to think of it as the flow, understanding the length of time. Sometimes love can feel too good to be true, too bad to be false and everywhere in between, making it so confusing. When it feels bad, I am consumed with a fear of judgement and loss. Next the question becomes when do I say goodbye, but love isn’t a singular emotion but a grouping of many. I feel like these emotions can change as I change and I am not sure in what direction my change will go. Will I be monogamous, open, or poly or single? These answers come with time. They are deeply personal and subjective with no allowance for a universal answer, only introspection. Whatever I decide will be for me.
    My growth is understanding every relationship brings something different. My mind has opened through my relationships; I have become self-aware of an entirely different world that I have not lived. I have become more patient, more loving, and more communicative. I’ve learned about myself. It is enlightening at best and stressful at worst. I love the time we spend together. I love the way I learn about myself through our conversations.  We don’t love in ways I aim to love my partner but I love him.

—So I wrote him I love you.