By: Kemar Anglin

      I dedicated an I love you after a possession by the spirits of Valentine’s day. The season is adorably inspiring, I could not pass it up. Before the season I have been thinking about whether or not I am actually in love. The questions came up of: When to say I Love you? When do you know your right? How do you know the feeling? Prior to my queering, I aimed to embody the beauty in a traditional love story. Most of these stories represent straight couples, living picturesque lives, sometimes going through trials and tribulations but still finding their way back to each other in the end. These characters sometimes knew that it was love at first sight. There is little context just passion. There is marriage, a baby, and a happy ever after. That makes a good story, but the transpiration of love in my reality has been everything but traditional. I am beginning to realize abiding by different culture's relationship milestones leaves me feeling confused. 
    Although it may feel like it, there is no right or wrong in the act of love. We (people), especially I,  sometimes like explanations. An analysis of why we choose to love, the chemicals that it releases and how it can be controlled. Sometimes I wish loving another person could be as easy as loving my favorite food, frankly even that is complex. What if it is made differently or what if my taste grows….would it still be to my liking? 
    Living in the fear of something changing, doing something wrong, moving to fast, rejection or hurting the other person, hurts love. Fear leaves it battered, bruised, and ignored. Diminishing many potential relationships that I could have if I decide just to open up. This creates an argument against fighting the comfort and intimacy that another person can bring, even if it may not last forever. Why not embrace? When you feel it why not say I love you?

    The man I wrote that I love to, I have known for a while. We notoriously have flirted with each other on and off and there is not much likelihood of us ever being an exclusive thing. There has been downs, heartache, and disappointment that I have felt with him that trump me feeling comfortable enough for commitment. Alongside my lack of knowing exactly what I want out of life, I do not care to pursue anything. Despite me knowing all this and perpetuating our distance, I still feel love for him. It is the strangest feeling. I know what some might be thinking “I am situated”, I’ll admit I am pro-situationship. Love does not equate to a partnership and sometimes a situationship is needed. On the other hand, I would not consider our relationship that. I consider him a friend. I like him. He’s cute and makes me laugh. I want him in my life, but I don’t want the pressures of a partnership in hopes of better days.
     He has been the longest-standing romantic relationship in my life, committed or not, that is my milestone. I don’t believe in a forever we and I don’t want to convince myself of that possibility. I’d like to believe that I can’t comprehend how I can have love for someone who I felt wronged and invalidated me, but in actuality I can. 
    We learn how to love through our environments, identities, and the experiences that each of us have. Love was shaped differently within my Jamaican and Queer environments than the Western norm. I did not grow up with two parents traditionally in love. There were not much words of affirmations but a call to action. My parents were opposites, while being strong and resilient both in their unique lights. My queer influences have opened me up to their dating challenges, introducing me to the realities of my newly opened identity. They are not the ideal that society has constructed, but I learned to love others and love myself through their words of wisdom. I learned that love is a journey and is not perfection. I learned I don’t need the prince, protector, or the one to make me whole, instead look for myself. If that is the case, what do I lose by loving those who aim to truly understand me and who I aim to truly understand.          
    Free love is something that I don’t usually do. I like to be realistic, the realism is that all of us perform a mating call. My mating call might be considered the chase, understanding the choice of the prize, I like to think of it as the flow, understanding the length of time. Sometimes love can feel too good to be true, too bad to be false and everywhere in between, making it so confusing. When it feels bad, I am consumed with a fear of judgement and loss. Next the question becomes when do I say goodbye, but love isn’t a singular emotion but a grouping of many. I feel like these emotions can change as I change and I am not sure in what direction my change will go. Will I be monogamous, open, or poly or single? These answers come with time. They are deeply personal and subjective with no allowance for a universal answer, only introspection. Whatever I decide will be for me.
    My growth is understanding every relationship brings something different. My mind has opened through my relationships; I have become self-aware of an entirely different world that I have not lived. I have become more patient, more loving, and more communicative. I’ve learned about myself. It is enlightening at best and stressful at worst. I love the time we spend together. I love the way I learn about myself through our conversations.  We don’t love in ways I aim to love my partner but I love him.

Written by Kemar

Nicholas Anglin| July 20, 2020| 12:00 p.m

Meet Tell Hardy, a 21 year-old upcoming photographer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I had the opportunity to ask him some questions pertaining to his work, himself, and how essentially supporting black artist intertwines with the Black Lives Matter Movement. Art is important, it records and showcases history. Ignoring or whitewashing black artistry, which is done often in America, aids in the silencing of black voices. A recent study done in 2019 shows "that 85% of artists [in museums] are white and 87% are men" and not much has changed since then. We should not leave black artistry to be showcased in only black history museums. Minority artist are often ignore or stereotyped, as we can see by  the "Oscars so white", and how the only time black women are seen in big roles is if they are playing common stereotypes, such as  the "Tragic Mulatto", the "Mammy" and the "Jezebel".  It is important that we as a society amplify black artist voices and works and this starts at home. Lets meet and support Tell Hardy!!!!

1. In a few words, describe yourself.                                                                                                                                                 I would say...calm, cool, and collective. I'm genuinely a very nice person and that's one reason I believe a lot of people respect and love me. I was raised in the hill district and was very active as a kid. As in active I mean like going to summer camps, playing sports and just doing kid things lol. I loved drawing and coloring when I was younger. I don't know where any inspiration came from at the time but...I just loved doing it!
2. Tell us about your Podcast, Long time, what made you want to start it?  So, last year around Thanksgiving I binged a lot of podcasts for some odd reason. Each one of them related to something different in my life, but none had everything in one. So I had this idea of making a podcast where I was able to talk about anything that came to mind. Fastforwarding to this year, one night I got drunk and decided to just make the intro episode to the podcast. Released it the next day and surprisingly people were actually fucking with it! So from there I recorded the first episode with my friend WaveBeast (local artist), which many people loved as we talked about photography, haters, and just chatting it up. That's really the main goal of this podcast. I just want to have honest conversations with artists and give them a chance to talk about things or even feelings they never get to express. 
3. College experience, what made you drop out? College college college. Definitely a love and hate relationship. Many people don't know, but going into college my freshman year I went in on a film scholarship. Loved filmmaking and still do! Met great friends and even professors who I still keep in contact with. But tbh college just wasn't “It” for me. I was stressed and doing things I didn't want to, such as going to other classes I had no care for. Going on to sophomore year, I switched my major to photography. It felt more like “Me.” First day of class we had to submit a picture of our works to the professor to be displayed on the projector and introduce ourselves to the class. Keep in mind that I'm in an Intro to Photography class. So many students there were learning for the first time. It was my turn to speak as my image came on the projector and the class just got quiet and loved it. Skipping to the end of the semester, my photography professor really loved my work and I told him I don't think I can waste my next 3 years here in college. He was very supportive in my decision and that's what really motivated me to drop out. But long story short I learned many things from my college experience. I would never tell anyone to not go to college, but I will say don't let family and friends force you to make an important decision about your life. Take your time kid, college will always be there.
4. ​Photography….How’d you start? Beginning of my freshman year of Allderdice...yeah. The PS4 had just dropped! Me and my friend Maliek who went to City High, had decided to make Youtube videos. We would record ourselves role playing on Grand Theft Auto. We made these hood tales. Short little movies where we would reenact what happened in the hood...but on the game. So that's how I learned editing and storytelling. From there I bought my first camera because I wanted to actually start doing videos in real life instead of the video game. Throughout my highschool years I was shooting music videos and taking pictures. When my senior year came to an ending, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life...kinda.
5. What’s the hardest thing that you’ve had to deal with as a black artist?​ Me personally, I don't deal with much. Shit happens in life. A Lot of it is small, like people hating. But that's always going to be the case anywhere. But one thing I came across this year was people not booking me as much because I raised my pricing. I didn’t want to deal with cheaper clients, I wanted to deal with people that were willing to spend money and weren't rushing me every second to finish a project. Yes I get fewer bookings. But when I do get a booking I'm satisfied. I don't know what it is about being a  black artist, but it's like people expect you to lower your prices because you're friends with them. But hey...that's life i guess.
6. The biggest stigma of pursuing art as a career, especially within the black community? To  keep it short and simple, it's our parents. They didn't grow up just wanting to be artists because there wasn't that much money in it. But now we have so many resources on the internet. People are getting paid off instagram posts...that's still wild to me. I'm going to say this as a black man who is pursuing a career in the arts. Be any artist you want. Teach your parents. Show them what you're working on, I promise it will make things easier. That's why I came up with the saying “My parents won't understand my art career until I'm successful.”
7. What’s the work(s) your most proud of?

Hmmm. That's a hard one. It changed everyday to be honest. Some days I don't even like my work. But lately I have been loving my portrait of Jay, my muse and best friend. She hates it because she thinks she looks mean, but I told her that's emotion. That's what makes an image, tells a story...you know?